I don’t know that I have ever felt so separated from the world around me than I do right now. Yet, this is a time where the largest piece of my life is exactly the same as millions of others. If anything, I should feel comforted by the sheer number of people going through this with me, but I continue to feel alone and isolated in my suffering.

I would like to start by saying that, overall, I have not enjoyed high school. I have learned countless lessons throughout these last four years and grown indescribably as a person. But most of that growth rooted in very dark places and through emotionally draining experiences. I am not upset that my senior year in school is over. I am not upset that I won’t walk through the cramped, sweaty halls again. I am not upset that I won’t pass by countless nameless faces once more. I know that the people I truly care about will be back in my life soon. I know that, at least to some extent, I will stay in touch with the teacher who truly impacted me. What I am upset about is the lack of celebration I will be able to have to commemorate these last four years. They have been hell. They have had very high highs and very low lows. 

Yet the one thing that motivated me to persevere through the struggles of high school was knowing that, at the end, it would all be worth it. I would get to celebrate with my family and friends who care about me the most, and be with the people that supported me through all of the growth. I was looking forward to my 18th birthday, when I finally would become an adult, as if all of the work I had been putting in paid off. I was looking forward to graduation, where I finally would get to receive the one piece of paper that symbolizes the reason for all of my dedication the last four years. I would get to wave to my family and walk across the stage. They would get to watch as I threw my grad cap in the air beside my best friends. I would get to have a graduation party, where all of these people came together to celebrate my achievements. I would get to have a senior trip, which would have been my first time in Europe. 

It is like all of that stuff was dangling in front of me, and I was chasing after it for the last four years. And right as I was finally about to catch it, it disappeared. All of the work, the growth, the highs, the lows, all of it- for nothing. 

I do understand that this is quite menial, especially when compared to everything else happening in the world. I am lucky enough that losing my job doesn’t mean not making rent, or not being able to afford food for my family. I am lucky that I am not among the ten million people who have filed for unemployment. I am lucky that I am not among the one million diagnosed people suffering from COVID-19. I am lucky in so many ways.

But I have learned that I cannot let what others are living through diminish what I am feeling. Anything you feel during these times is valid. It is uncertain and scary, and for most of us it’s unlike anything we have ever experienced.

I know that I will still graduate. I will still get to attend college. My family will be just as proud of the work I did throughout high school. My friends will be just as excited to be done with these four years. Everything will be okay, we just have to remember that.