Ever since I started high school, people have always told me that senior year is a year to remember. After all, it’s when you’re supposed to experience your high school traditions for the last time, finally decide where you’ll be going to college, and begin getting ready for the next chapter of your life. When I look back at my own senior year, I can definitely say that it has been a memorable one, but not necessarily for the reasons that most people think.

After having a busy summer, I was already overwhelmed when I began senior year in the middle of a pile of college
applications, my final sports season, and a rigorous class schedule. Even so, I told myself that I could make it through somehow, because it was only a few months, right?

By late September, however, I could tell that something was seriously wrong. Instead of having the successful final cross country season I had trained for all summer, I was finishing races in some of the worst times of my high school career. As assignments began piling up, I was perpetually back-logged and sleep-deprived, and every time I sat down to write a college essay, I would stare at the blank screen for hours without knowing what to say. As I pushed myself to succeed in my commitments, a feeling of utter incompetence and deep disappointment swept my mind. Instead of finding joy in my favorite extracurriculars and hobbies, all I felt was emptiness and apathy. Here I was, sacrificing sleep and sanity to put my best effort into everything, but I simply wasn’t reaping the rewards. Worst of all, while I was forced to reflect on myself on my college applications, in reality I was slowly losing sight of who I was and what I was working towards.

By winter break, I no longer recognized myself. I constantly faced a torrent of emotions, but above all, I felt ashamed of how I was treating others because of my mental state. That’s when I knew something had to be done, because I desperately needed mental balance.

While I did attend therapy sessions to process my emotions, I realized that what I needed most was to accept and delve deep into the underlying causes behind them. So, with the beginning of the new year, Iput my full faith into mindfulness and self-reflection. Only then did my perspective on my mental turmoil begin to shift.

Throughout this trying period, I had let the search for success and recognition completely determine my sense of self-worth. What I had failed to see, however, was that if I only relied on these external rewards to make me happy, I was only going to experience fleeting moments of joy. Instead, I needed to remind myself why I had decided to take on everything in the first place and trust that things would work out in the end. Besides, what’s the point of putting in so much time and effort into the things I’m passionate about if I’m not going to enjoy the journey?

As I continue to regularly practice mindfulness, I’ve also realized another thing. Maybe complete destruction sometimes paves the way for stronger reconstruction, and maybe a breakdown of my old thought patterns was necessary for me to develop the mental clarity I now have. After all, transformation implies getting rid of the old– and making way for the new.