Welcome to the annual celebration of World Rat Day! Don’t be fooled by their beady eyes and tendency to scurry through the sewers – these rats are more than just pests. They are the unsung heroes of the animal kingdom, and we are here to give them the recognition they deserve. As a tribute to this elite species, I will be placing famous rats into a personal (and correct) ranking.

Coming in fifth place is Templeton from Charlotte’s Web. I have never felt such negative feelings towards a rat… though the Bubonic Plague-carrying one is close. Sure, Templeton has a cynical sense of humor that I could only dream of, but this egotistical rat only loves one person: himself. 

Fourth place is taken by Rizzo the Rat from The Muppets. Don’t underestimate him because he’s a sneaky little guy. He wakes up for the sole purpose of tricking and ridiculing others. Rizzo speaks in a Brooklyn accent that makes him tolerable in my mind and to my ears. There is really no reason that he is ranked above Templeton. I just really hate Templeton. 

In third place: Scabbers from Harry Potter. This deceptive and self-preserving rat has very impressive traits. While hiding from the top wizards at Hogwarts, this rat had everyone, even his best friend, tricked for decades. 

Almost, but not quite reaching the top: Splinter from Teenage Mutant Turtles. He is more than a rat; he is a sensei that teaches turtles important life lessons. Not just turtles – he taught the crime-fighting heroes we all know and love. He can hold a fight better than anyone I’ve seen at Tualatin High School.

With no hesitation, first place goes to Remy from Ratatouille. Most rats are content eating garbage and leftovers, but not Remy. This rat has a refined palate and a passion for cooking. And let’s not forget about his fashion sense. With his jaunty little chef hat and apron, Remy looks positively dapper. He’s a rat who knows how to dress for success.

If you disagree, that sucks. Anyways, join us every April 4, aka World Rat Day, to celebrate these freeloading critters that probably find more comfort in your home than you do.