High school has gone by quickly, and while many memories may be fleeting, I will be able to preserve the best of them through music. I believe that music has not only helped me to understand myself and my emotions, but also to build and strengthen relationships with those around me. 

In September of 2019, I decided to document my high school experience by building monthly playlists. Out of the past 45 playlists, I have chosen seven songs that I would give to my freshman self, to help her cope with the anxieties brought on by school, loss of friendships, loneliness of the pandemic and, eventually, fear of the future.

“Your Heart is an Empty Room” by Death Cab for Cutie

“And all you see / is where else you could be / when you’re at home.” This song is about loneliness and the cycle of chasing validation from others, only to become disappointed in yourself. I would tell myself to slow down and truly live in the moment, because to try living for others means to lose understanding of yourself.

“Beautiful Child” by Fleetwood Mac

“I’m tall enough to reach for the stars / I’m old enough to love you from afar.” Even though Stevie Nicks wrote this about her affair with Derek Taylor, I choose to apply it to growing out of things. It’s natural to be nostalgic about childhood when I’m so close to leaving, but “Beautiful Child” reminds me that while I can love Tualatin and my childhood, I need to let go of being a kid in order to grow.

“Impossible Germany” by Wilco

“Impossible Germany / Unlikely Japan.” As much as I want to be able to say something profound about this song, the biggest takeaway is that sometimes things don’t have to make sense to be meant for you. It also means that even if things make sense, they might not be meant for you either. Predictability is boring, and your fate isn’t deterred by messing up one or two times.

“Sandusky” by Uncle Tupelo

This song is genuinely one of the most beautiful pieces of music ever written, and I am mainly adding this to the list because if I listened to Uncle Tupelo freshman year, I would have been a lot cooler. I also think that everyone should have to listen to “Sandusky” at least once in their lifetime.

“Hints” by Wilco

“But our fears were never real enough so we would just project.” Wilco’s album Cruel Country is about having difficulties accepting the title that other people have given to you. Rather than being hurt by or scared of other people’s perception of myself, I can either fully embrace it or not let it affect me.

“New Slang” by the Shins

“Turn me back into the pet I was when we met / I was happier then with no mindset.” I’ve matured and seen many ugly parts of life over the past few years, and at times I have let those things control my existence. Things do get better, and closing yourself off from change can cause more pain than it saves you from.

“Hannah Sun” by Lomelda

“Glad you held me too / Though I didn’t know how to be closer to you.” We’re constantly told to reflect and hold ourselves to the standards that you hold others to as well. I wish someone would have told me to ask myself what kind of person I wanted to be, and also to be as gentle with myself as I am with others. It took me four years to understand that all of the pressure that I felt to be perfect was self-inflicted. You deserve kindness from everyone, especially yourself.