‘Tis the season for snuggly couples, Christmas movies and, for single dudes,– the annual “winter bulk.” It’s a time for improvement, but in reality, you’re eating as if you’ve got a sponsorship with DoorDash. 

Why winter? Well, as these witnesses eat away, this season is the perfect excuse to hide those “work in progress” abs under hoodies and jackets. Not to mention each time they go eat at fast food joints, they can just say, “I’m bulking.” 

Stop lying. You’re just inhaling burgers like a vacuum cleaner. Forget about abs, as well. You’re only building enough mass to be able to charge people to rent your own shade one day. Even Santa is out there wondering why you asked for a full-on menu rather than actual gifts. 

Jackson Lowery, a TuHS senior and seasoned veteran of the winter bulk – who actually didn’t turn into Peter Griffin – has seen it all. This winter, with more experience, he shared some valuable tips for future prodigies. 

“The winter arc is something every gym goer knows,” he said. “It’s a time when the only thing that matters is making sure you don’t choke trying to get your 20th spoon of peanut butter down at one in the morning. Eat, sleep, gym, repeat is the saying that keeps you from going insane and reminds you all the fat you are gaining is really just abs in progress,” Lowery said

Wow, what great advice from a future bodybuilder. Moen must be so proud. 

For the select few, remember, the true spirit of the winter bulk isn’t about balance, but rather sacrifice. Forget about your social life, forget about school and even forget about your basic hygiene. Because at the end of the day, gripping metal bars and munching on chicken are the two things that truly matter. And how dare you think about even going on dates when there’s a lonely dumbbell waiting to be lifted and a Costco rotisserie chicken in a Tupperware ready to be devoured. Gains over anything, am I right? 

Girls come and go, but the gym’s always your home.