Love isn’t the only thing in the air on Valentine’s Day! Whether it’s a sudden midnight realization, the crushing weight of reality or simply for The Bit™, you may be feeling the urge to dump your partner out of the blue. Without further ado, in no particular order, here are the top 10 ways to break up with someone.
- Voicemail. Say one last goodbye without actually having to talk to them.
- In-game chat. Rumor has it that you’ll unlock a hidden achievement if you do.
- Ghost them and move to a different city. You don’t have to deal with the consequences of your actions if they don’t know where you live!
- Tell them you’re using them to make your ex jealous. This method may not actually make your ex jealous, but it’s a surefire way to tell your partner you’re through.
- Fake your death. This method is sure to be the final nail in the coffin for your relationship (pun intended).
- Leave them at the altar. Give your life more of that soap opera flair by proving that yes, marriage was too much commitment.
- Tell everyone except your partner. Add that air of mystery back to your relationship by leaving them to figure out why you’ve blocked them on everything.
- Make your friend do it. If they hooked up with this not-so-perfect match, it’s only natural for them to be the one to end the relationship.
- Do it in front of all of their friends. Save yourself the trouble of having to explain what happened, and let everyone see it for themselves instead.
- Kiss their dad. Need I say more?
If you, like many others, have decided that Valentine’s Day is too much work, these simple techniques will definitely help take something off your plate this February. One method to stay away from, however, is to dump them in favor of going to Harvard (see Legally Blonde). Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for how your partner reacts to being dumped in any of these ways. I said they were successful, not polite.
