As the academic season comes to a close, the search for engagement intensifies. The air smells somehow sweeter, as simple shared glances become legally binding. Nobody is safe from this year’s contestants, each one gearing up for their race to the courtship arenas in the cafeteria, as the clock blinks 11:59 a.m. By the end of the spring semester, everyone will have a ring by spring.
And we’re off! The clock strikes 12, and the first two contestants make their way to the mini Chipotle booth at the far right of the college cafeteria. After a quick re-appliance of her caramel nude lipstick, and a 20-minute bathroom break to make his hair look like bed head, both have a perfect air of aloof charisma – and the same plan. Their pairing had been highly anticipated, both being blonde and emotionally unavailable. They are sure to make it out safe this year as a secured match, unlike the many who fall to the wasteland of still being single at 23.
The male contestant waltzes through the Chipotle line, making sure his pants are sagging just enough. He puffs out his chest and reaches his hand forward, ready to make his first move. The female, in expectancy, waits patiently with her back turned just a few steps ahead, confidence emanating from her perfectly feminine silhouette. Her body was, in fact, tea.
Finally, she feels a strong, masculine hand grip her tiny shoulder, and whirls around, allowing her mesmerizing golden hair to toss back just so. Their eyes meet. Digits are exchanged. Strategically flirtatious laughter, a bite of the lip and…it’s done! The female has parted without any indication of her own interest in him, implying that the deal is sealed, and they will be married within the next month. The first match of the season has been made!
In the tournament of college dating, only the charismatic, fine, 10/10 libras will make it out alive (married). And those who are unfortunate enough to remain unmarried by the end of the season, we bid you farewell, and good luck in facing the horrific trials and disappointments of…independence.
